Home > Karate, Martial Arts, Self -Defense, Uncategorized > The Other Side of Violence

The Other Side of Violence


domestic-violence1

In the past I have written a lot on violence in this blog. Violence, as sad as the fact may be, is a part of life. Violence can be placed in two categories:

Social Violence

Domestic Violence

I have written quite a bit on the Social Violence side of the coin. Actually it is pretty much all I have written about here. Social Violence can be considered acts of violence that randomly happen to us. We are in the “wrong place at the wrong time” sort of scenarios are the ones that make up the majority of Social Violence cases. Like physical assault, sexual assault, robberies, and ect, these types of assault happen for the most part on a random basis. In my Common Sense Self-Defense articles I have provided a lot of information on Social Violence and how to deal with it. There is a ton of information on the subject in this blog. I intend to write more on it later.

In this article I want to touch a bit on the other side of the coin. I want to talk a bit on the dark and very personal torture that is Domestic Violence.

What is Domestic Violence?

A pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate or romantic relationship where one person chooses to control the relationship through the use of force, intimidation or fear.

This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic Violence’s abuse can take many forms. It may range from physical, emotional, sexual, economical, or a combination of these. It can be extreme as we often picture it, or it can be very subtle. In a relationship, it knows no boundaries or age limits. It happens in straight or same-sex relationships. Either sex can abuse the other (yes, women can be abusers to men). It can, and does, happen to teens as well as adults.

We often picture it as we have seen it in movies but Domestic Violence isn’t just an argument every once in a while. Domestic violence describes an ongoing pattern of abusive behavior when one person chooses to control the relationship (most often a romantic relationship) through force, fear, pressure or intimidation. Sometimes it is not even noticeable. Put-downs in public can only be the tip of the iceberg. It can very often be subtle even to the point of withholding money or taking paychecks.

That romantic relationship can be between two people who are married, divorced, living together, dating, with kids, without kids. It can be between teenagers, young people, adults, the elderly, between a man and woman, two women, two men, two people from any race, culture, nationality, religion, and from any neighborhood, economic status or educational level… Domestic violence can affect anyone.

It is important to understand that people commit domestic violence because they choose to do so, not because they can’t stop themselves. I think our modern society too often wants to place blame for something anywhere except the place it needs to be…on the person who committed or is committing the negative behavior. Abusing someone is a CHOICE.

We should all know the signs of Domestic Violence, not only to protect ourselves but to possible warn or protect others.

What are the Warning Signs?

•extreme jealousy or insecurity
•constant put-downs
•possessiveness or treating you like property
•telling you what to do
•constantly checking in on you
•explosive temper
•making false accusations
•isolating you from your friends and family
•preventing you from doing things you want to do

What Can be Done?

If you suspect someone you know is being abused, what can you do? The answer is not as simple as one might first think. Unlike in the movies we can’t just storm into the home and stop the violence as much as we might like to. Unlike Social Violence self-defense courses do little good because many people either do not realize they are actually being abused or refuse to admit it.

How can a person not realize they are being abused?

You have to understand that a lot of Domestic Violence / Abuse is psychological as well as physical. It is a pattern that over time has become, in the victim’s mind, normal. If possible pull the victim to the side, get them away from their abuser, and have a serious talk with them. Try to educate them and explain to them that what is happening is wrong. You can also inform the proper authorities. Help Lines and Hot Lines are abundant and easy to find. One thing to keep in mind: you are involving yourself in a very volatile situation on both sides. You absolutely have to use some discernment in how you act and the actions you take. You also must be willing to accept that the victim may not be willing to listen to you or accept your help. Remember, they think in many cases that nothing is wrong. The abuser is already a violent person in one form or another and may at least verbally assault you. In reality you must have a great deal of wisdom and courage if you attempt any form of intervention.

If you are being abused you need to:

Realize you are being abused.

You are in a cycle. You have been brainwashed to certain degree. You have to come to grips within yourself that you are a victim. Most importantly you have to realize that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember what I said earlier, people CHOOSE to abuse someone. The idea you have done anything to deserve abuse is part of the cycle that the abuser has set into place in your mind. They have put you, your life, and possible the lives of your children in a nice little box…or cage.

Get Help

There are many organizations out there that are ready and willing to assist you. I support and work with such an organization that not only offers support and counseling but can also offer abuse victims and their children a place to go, a Safe House so to speak. Find these people and accept their help. No matter what you have come to believe, you are being victimized and you need help and support.

Get Out!

Just as it is with Social Violence you need to separate yourself from the thing that is harming you. You need to “escape”. If there are children involved this becomes even more critical. Perhaps your abuser isn’t harming your children physically but there are mental and emotional scars they are enduring that will last them for the rest of their lives. You may believe with all of your heart that things will get better. You may think that eventually you can change that person. Things will NOT get better. You will NOT change your abuser. In all probability without professional help, things will get worse.

You Are Not Alone

As I said, there are people out there that can and will help you. You are not the only person that has had to endure the pain and suffering you are experiencing. Inside of each of us is the heart of a warrior. That heart can take many different shapes and form each warrior differently. One of the main characteristics, the main traits, of a warrior is courage. You have to embrace the warrior within you and find the courage to act. You have to find the strength to reach out for help. Once you can do this you will find that you are truly not alone.

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  1. February 11, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Thanks for sharing this , Sensei.

    • February 11, 2013 at 11:05 pm

      Thank you for reading and replying, Ren. I hope this can give victims a sense that there are people out here who understand and are willing to help

  2. February 17, 2013 at 6:43 am

    This is such a pertinent post, Jim. There are so many people stuck in relationships who cant see any way out as their lives are being controlled so closely.

    • February 18, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      T^hank you very much. I just hope it can help some one somewhere

    • March 3, 2013 at 10:21 pm

      I know. This is the thing that really stinks about DV. A lot, not all but a lot, of the victims are blinded by a lot of false beliefs that they have.

      My biggest hope is that I, with the help of good people, can educate some and hopefully spare them of what may come.

      I just hope that my very small part will wake up some others who may be seeing this go on in someone’s life and that they try to help.

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